


nostalgia

by deadbeatfreak99



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Boys in Skirts, Childhood Friends, Crossdressing, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Crossdressing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pining, femboy hongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:26:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 5,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24403531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadbeatfreak99/pseuds/deadbeatfreak99
Summary: ❝finally, we can breathe.❞《in which hongjoong was used to loving in silence until seonghwa helped him discover sound.》
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 7
Kudos: 39





	1. +01

**Author's Note:**

> originally published on wattpad 18/05/20
> 
> the product of me self-projecting and writing this in a night because insomnia is a cunt lol
> 
> short chapters. lowercase because i wrote this in one go from midnight to 6a.m and couldn't be arsed lmao
> 
> mentions of abuse and self-harm but mostly it's easy going fluff. 
> 
> dedicated to her.

_the steady drizzle of rain is a key_   
_that fits into the lock of many memories,_   
_the smell of wet soil and the dripping of_   
_leaves beckoning past scenes to resurface._   
_in the arms of another, hongjoong no_   
_longer trembled at their rebirth nor did_   
_he fear them. his partner's hold was_   
_strong, his touch delicate, his chest_   
_warm, and hongjoong could gaze out_   
_the window adjacent to their bed and_   
_watch as droplets trailed down glass,_   
_cutting the dreary grey of clouds_   
_behind them with swords of_   
_diamond, worriless._

_it was at said time, when the day was_   
_still young and the weather grim, but_   
_that hongjoong was embraced and safe,_   
_that his thoughts trickled along a path_   
_that soon became a river, his mind_   
_drifting along it like a_   
_plank of wood._

it had been a sunny morning, sky a blue too bright to be real, white tufts of cotton far too sparce to be considered a flaw, and hongjoong and his family had gone to the countryside, a warm place beneath the sun where the grass was a vivid green and the trees swayed to their own tune.

his father carried a cooler that contained the food they'd share for their picnic, his mother held a couple tattered blankets to sit on and an old camera, whilst his older brother was running ahead as hongjoong himself tried to keep up.

they ran and ran, until their cheeks were hot and red and their chests burned with the joy of freedom. they'd battled with long sticks and watched as butterflies and bees fluttered around them, busy with their own work. they'd laughed so much hongjoong's eyes glittered with tears and the sides of his lips hurt from smiling.

and then they'd climbed over a rubble wall and reached a cliff's edge, their parents far behind and their heads addled with a sensation of immortality and mirth.

"let's see how high up we are," his brother suggested, laying himself down on his stomach, uncaring of the stains that would mark his clothes as he used his elbows to pull himself closer to the rim.

hongjoong hesitated a moment, and then he was doing the same, belly scraping soil and forearms turning brown.

"wow! look, joong!"

and the younger's excited face finally peered over the edge, fingers clutching the shards of grass beneath him as his wide eyes took in the view of a still sea below. soft waves caressed sharp rocks, and sunlight brought each one to shimmer as though studded with jewels.

hongjoong was in awe, for he had never seen anything so beautiful before.

"don't you wish we could do like the birds and fly down really quick?"

the boy glanced to his brother who remained grinning at the scene below, enthralled by the sight that seemingly held him hostage.

hongjoong hummed, nodding, because his brother was right, that would be such fun.

"boys!" they startled at the shout that was stitched with panic and tied with anger, "joongie! what are you doing?! get away from there!"

the instant they stood, their mother's arms tugged them to her chest, burying their stunned faces into her neck that swelled with each deep breath, away from the brink of possible death.

"this is all your fault!" she barked at their father who had yet to fully approach them, thin hands still defensively clutching onto her sons, "they could have died!"

"my fucking fault?! you should've been watching them better!"

"i would have if you didn't bring up the case and distract me!"

hongjoong frowned, tentatively stretching his neck to see over the shoulder of his mother his father, whose face gleamed red and irises sparked with rage.

"oh, so it's my fault because i wanted to keep you up-to-date with how things are going? if it weren't for me, your sorry ass wouldn't be able to handle the situation!"

he turned his head away, his heart racing and ears ringing, fear coursing through his veins － and then his brother took his hand and firmly held it.

hongjoong wanted to believe everything would be alright but it wasn't,  
 _because there wasn't you._


	2. -02

their house was small, their rooms cold and barren. when hongjoong was younger, he and his brother would have to sit and wait for past six hours in the decrepit car of their parents in a grim road, waiting until their mother would close shop and their father locked everything up. they'd sit and wait, in silence, whether there was a storm and they shivered or there was a suffocating heat and they grew drowsy. they'd wait and grow frustrated － fight, kick, shout － but they'd sit until it was time to go home, never leaving the car.

hongjoong hated that car. the seats had yellow foam pouring out from some holes and the space in which they could move was minimal. it was always full of bugs, which hongjoong despised, but when his brother was by his side, he'd get rid of them for him.

when they were old enough to stay home alone, his brother twelve and him nine, they'd be left with a bitter tasting blown kiss and a call of goodbye. they'd do their work in the growing darkness of the living room, and every now and again his brother would invent something for them to eat.

once they'd gotten tired and the clock was nearing ten, hongjoong would go to the bedroom they shared and shut the door, taking his most prized possession from the drawer of his bedside table: an mp3 player. it was no bigger than two inches, with buttons that were stiff and a screen that lit up green and blue. he'd let it play music until his parents returned, gazing up at the white painted ceiling and chatting with the tiny spider that lived in the corner of it.

the door opening and slamming shut, nights mostly went by with screams and yells, chairs being turned over and plates being tossed.

hongjoong's every limb would quiver and his brother would hold him close.

"do mum and dad love each other?"

his brother never replied  
 _and there wasn't you._


	3. +03

he was about that age when he came to understand that perhaps his life wasn't completely normal.

his father would always be shouting, making his small heart stutter and thud roughly against his showing ribs, his mother would always be crying and yelling.

he came to understand that when people were angry, they were scary. his father always seemed to be angry, and so hongjoong was always scared.

he'd gotten in the way once, when the man was going after his mother, and his large, heavy hands pushed hongjoong against the stairs. the hard edges dug into his side, making it hard to breathe and even harder to move. he'd started to cry but the man only warned him to stop, threatening to strike him if he didn't stand. he shuffled onto his wobbling legs.

another time, he and his brother had been playing in the living room, sharing a gameboy that was gifted to them by a family friend and ignoring the quarrel occurring in the kitchen. it was when their mother came to bring them a plate of food, then cold and rather bland, that they had to run.

the man came in shortly after, expression contorted with a ferocity inhuman, only noticing his children long enough to give the eldest a sweeping kick.

hongjoong shrunk in on himself, but his brother took hold of his hand and tugged him up, despite the pain marring his young face.

"come," was all he said, and then they were sprinting as quickly as they could to the bathroom, shutting the door the instant they were in. the resounding crash of their gameboy against a wall did not affect their already altered states, hongjoong holding onto his brother as they sunk to the cool floor, squeezing his eyes shut in the hopes that it was all a dream.

the screams and thumps continued  
 _and there wasn't you._


	4. -04

for hongjoong, school was a place of torment and loneliness, so when his mother suggested sending him to a summer school, he was petrified. he'd begged and pleaded for her to not make him go, telling her it was a waste of money and that he wouldn't have fun anyway.

"you need to learn how to make friends, joong," she decisively told the thirteen-year-old, "you can't spend the rest of your life alone. you need to stop being so afraid."

and hongjoong let it be.

when summer crashed upon him and took on his supple skin with a searing hot sun, it steadily grew more impossible to sleep at night with the anxiety that festered in his belly.

the day it began, he felt nauseous throughout the car ride there, small hands clutching the oozing foam of his seat in the attempt of stopping them from shaking.

when he was left with a pat on his back and a push through the narrow gate, he felt dizzy. countless kids were playing in the yard, some with a football, others dancing, a few sitting around, talking.

the first was a hellish week; mostly forgone and left out, skittish every time a team leader would call his name, terrified of joining in on any of the activities because he didn't want to mess up and become the laughing stock of the group － hongjoong always wanted to go home.

and then there was him, all smiles and rather timid, standing in the sunlight that coated his skin with honey, and for some reason hongjoong felt like he could have the strength to talk to him.

"i'm . . . i'm hongjoong," he mumbled, realising they were about the same height but that the other was slimmer. he ignored the thought, focused on the pretty eyes that turned onto him.

"do you want to be friends?"

the boy beamed, pink cheeks rising as he eagerly bobbed his head.

"sure! i'm seonghwa."

_and then, there was you._


	5. +05

throughout the years that followed, hongjoong hadn't really changed. faint lines decorated his pale arms and thighs, both too thin to be considered healthy, his height increasing but not as quickly as those of the other boys in his class. he was in his first year of highschool then, and though his life was much the same as it always had been, he'd discovered with a fear-inducing realisation that yet another factor rendered him different from his classmates.

hongjoong, through the foggy eyes of youth and naivete, realised that the boy who had never left his side, was growing to be prettier each day.

hongjoong, through the limited funnel of thought he was taught to have, perceived this as an odd and disturbing way of seeing his friend.

despite his best attempts however, it was impossible to ignore the way seonghwa's smile made daisies bloom and how his laughter brought birds to sing － and it was unfathomable to even consider evading his warm touch and lofty conversations.

when they'd walked to the beach one hot july morning, another saturday spent with their assigned summer school group, seonghwa had offered hongjoong an earphone, chattering passionately about a band he'd recently discovered and simply had to make the shorter listen to.

hongjoong never said no to the boy and that time was no exception, for he allowed the other to fit the earphone into his right ear and for a smile to curl his lips as music swarmed around his brain.

"aren't they awesome?" seonghwa asked, a confident grin ever-present on his mouth, his dark irises expectant and eager for the brunet's approval.

"yeah, they are," hongjoong confirmed, bobbing his head to the beat.

in all honesty, whether he liked the band for what it was or because the song was something seonghwa himself wanted him to hear, hongjoong wasn't sure, but the satisfaction and cheer of happiness that the older gave at his answer was enough to send his heart soaring.

"you and i have the best damn music taste," he stated with certainty, momentarily lolling his head back to glance up at the clear sky, "we're basically the same."

and hongjoong hummed, eyes lingering on the profile of the taller who remained unaware, distractedly allowing himself to sink into the hills and valleys that made up seonghwa's smooth face.

his palms were sweaty and his stomach was swirling,  
 _but there was you._


	6. -06

the second time they'd gone to the beach, their group had been much smaller and such a fact put hongjoong at ease.

"it's way too hot today," seonghwa spoke up from abreast him as he tossed his backpack to the pebbled ground, "i bet the water will feel great."

and hongjoong merely nodded, watching in anticipation as the boy slid his t-shirt off, exposing his lithe and marginally toned torso to the glow of the afternoon sun.

he felt wrong, bashful, and forced his eyes to the sea before him, gazing upon the people that swam and played without a care.

"are you sure you won't come in today either?"

hongjoong startled, meeting the irises that shimmered with a silent plea, and belatedly shook his head, ignoring the way his pulse quickened.

"you can keep your top on," seonghwa suggested, "there aren't many of us so you don't have to be shy about holding onto me either. please?"

a beat, during which they held one another's stare and hongjoong's mind was in a disarray, hectically weighing out the pros and cons prior to realising that disappointing seonghwa was the worst thing that he could possibly allow himself to do.

"okay," he caved, and seonghwa smiled, setting his hot palm upon hongjoong's shoulder.

his hand was lighter than that of the man － hongjoong didn't fear it.

"you'll love it, i promise!"

but hongjoong wanted to tell him that his affirmation was unneeded, for as long as seonghwa was with him, he'd love even the pain of a thousand daggers,  
 _because there was you._


	7. +07

the heat was immeasurable, a torment to stay in for so many hours, but whilst he was suffering from it, seonghwa was playing football with rest of the group.

hongjoong realised that perhaps the older wasn't the best of players, but he was good enough to score multiple goals and that was something the former could only dream of.

his flushed flesh glimmered in the sunlight, perspiration making his hair fall in strands over his forehead as he ran, going over the curve of his cheeks whenever he smiled, only to be tapped dry with the neckline of his t-shirt.

"over here!"

and the match went on, hongjoong watching from a small spot in the shade as seonghwa ran and ran, scored and missed, until his team won and their cheers rang through the yard.

hongjoong didn't dare near the boys and girls who yelled and paraded about in their moment of victory, but waited to greet seonghwa with a cool bottle of water and a tissue for his sweat when he eventually strolled up to him.

"what'd you think, joong?" he asked, prior to uncapping the bottle and hungrily taking hefty gulps of it.

"you were the coolest," hongjoong replied earnestly, eyes flickering to the drops that spilled over cherry lips and down a curved neck.

seonghwa hummed, then pulling the bottle from his mouth and minimally wiping himself dry with the back of his hand.

"why don't you come play with me a bit?" he offered, hand reaching out to playfully tussle the seated boy's hair, "the others are leaving to go eat. it'll be just us."

the younger's skin prickled at the final phrase, nerves dotting his eagerness to say yes.

"you know i suck at football, hwa."

and seonghwa nodded, because it was true.

"yeah, but you don't have to be good at something to do it. just do it because it's fun."

so hongjoong took the hand jutted towards him and pulled himself onto his feet. they kicked and passed the tearing ball between them, seonghwa showing off some tricks he'd learned and trying to teach them to honjoong when he saw the sparkle in the shorter's eyes believing it to be for the sport.  
it really was, of course,   
_because there was you._


	8. -08

at the end of every year, their summer school held a performance for which they'd put on a musical with practised choreographies and such. hongjoong tended to avoid participating in them, but that year seonghwa's unwavering will for him to join had done its part, and the brunet found himself spending many afternoons with the rest of some back-up dancers － seonghwa was chosen for a lead role － learning his parts and cues.

when the night of the show finally came, all electric breaths and bustling teens, hongjoong's adrenaline and excitement overrode his stage fright, bringing his feet to constantly hop and pace, his teeth to gnaw on his bottom lip and his stout fingers to fiddle with his hair.

he'd been waiting alone by a wall as the rest of the cast continued with last minute preparations, when seonghwa came hurtling towards him, a melodic laugh playing from his mouth and eyes shining with the same energy that seared hongjoong's every vein.

"they did my make-up, joong!" he announced with an under-lying satisfaction, "thoughts? do i rock it or do i rock it?"

hongjoong focused his sight on the taller's face, then taking note of the yellow circles on his cheeks from beneath which some pink shone through, a dark brown that covered his nose with a line meeting the cupid's bow of his upper lip and parting to the sides to end in a curl. he had multiple whiskers drawn on and black liner around the rim of his lashes, going out at the edges.

"the best human simba i've ever seen," he assured with a smile, eager eyes scrupulously taking in every detail of the boy before him and how, when the white lights of the room struck him at certain angles, the golden glitter on his eyelids shimmered.

seonghwa snorted.

"i doubt you've seen many human simbas."

"that's true."

a pause.

"hey, let me add on to your make-up."

hongjoong arched a brow, the tips of his ears dusting a strawberry red.

"but i'm just a back-up dancer," the statement left him sounding to be more of a question, voice lilting at the end in a way that made seonghwa roll his eyes dismissively.

"who cares? everyone is important."

the brunet's gaze softened, his sight trailing down to the other's chest, incapable of easing the pulse that pushed through him, fighting to break through his fingertips and throat.

"come," seonghwa said when he remained silent, taking hold of his forearm and guiding them to where a group of leaders were encircled by cast members. palettes and brushes littered the temporary foldable tables, sachets of open glitter spilled into plastic plates and face paint dripped onto the floor; hongjoong took the myriad of colours and sparkle in with an ineffable wonder.

"they're busy," the elder mumbled over the consistent choir of chatter, picking up some glitter and eyeliner that were left unused, "let's go to the balcony; the bathrooms will be full."

hongjoong obediently followed as they wove their way through the stream of people, some taller than seonghwa, most taller than himself.

upon reaching the balcony of the first floor, the black-headed boy dragged open one of its doors and a brisk breeze instantly blew in, sending a shiver all across hongjoong's body and reviving their lungs with its coldness.

"finally, we can breathe."

and then they sat upon the tiles, knees folded and grazing one another's, and seonghwa leaned closer, holding hongjoong's chin between his thumb and forefinger, their breaths colliding and swirling beneath the late afternoon sun.

"stay still," seonghwa muttered, and the younger gulped, tongue of lead and a skull full of bees.

"okay."

goosebumps adorned his bare arms and the pencil tickled at his eyes, but seonghwa seemingly glowed in the light of the setting sun that generously gave hongjoong the chance to see how the boy's shimmering eyelids looked like treasure chests and how his ruffled hair danced to the wind that enveloped them. hongjoong couldn't complain about the cold because seonghwa kept him warm  
 _and there was you._


	9. +09

the first time the idea had formed itself and reared its head within the cage of his mind, hongjoong did what he could to tame the wild creature and lock it away. it proved unlikely this would ever happen, when the thought grew ever more insistent and present.

he'd see a girl in a pretty dress and feel a concoction of jealousy and wonderment brew within him, a desire to know whether it would look as good on him as it did on her. he'd see their blouses and ballerina pumps and envision himself wearing them.

such a way of thinking was inevitable, a torment to his restless mind that would spend nights awake and days fidgeting, until it got obvious enough that seonghwa began to ask questions.

they were alone － as they usually were － in the town's park, sitting in the circular contraption they had successfully climbed to the top of. hongjoong was silent, dazedly watching as clouds dragged by across the pink sky, and seonghwa sighed, a hand lifting to set itself upon the smaller one of the former.

hongjoong startled, looked to him with rounded eyes.

"what's wrong?"

the brunet froze, partially still lost in thought and head trying to return to its place between his shoulders as quickly as it could. he shook it.

"nothing."

his voice cracked, he heard it, and seonghwa gave him an almost pitying smile.

"is it because of your parents again?" he tried to ask as soothingly as he could, "or is your brother back to doing coke?"

hongjoong dipped his chin to his chest, a soft puff of air leaving his parted lips.

"no," he hesitated, "it's about me."

at the words, seonghwa hummed and shifted along the bar so that his side rubbed against that of the younger, hand then worming its fingers between those of hongjoong and fastening around them.

"what is it?"

it was a mix of the intensity of the delicate touch and the words that were bubbling at the tip of his tongue that made hongjoong's heart drum within his ears and rattle his ribs, but the birds that chirped and the sky that ebbed into an infinite ocean of plum cream contrasted his inner-state of turmoil.

"i . . ." he choked on the next syllable, sight dropping to the padded ground metres below his dangling feet, and seonghwa held onto his hand tighter.

"i want to wear skirts and dresses like girls."

an infinitesimal pause and seonghwa's lips were sweetly curled, head peering forward to meet hongjoong's eyes which peeled open after briefly having been squeezed shut.

"that's alright," seonghwa said in a hushed tone, prior to taking a moment to contemplate, "are you a girl?"

hongjoong tensely swished his head － speech required far too much in that moment during which his entire, thin frame quivered like a dying leaf that barely held on to a dry branch in winter.

"hm, okay," seonghwa assured, smile never dissipating, something that held hongjoong's attention whilst his innards contorted with a quelling fear, "you'd look great in a dress, i think."

the older then slowly rose his right hand, giving hongjoong the chance to pull away, and proceeded to sweep the smaller's fringe to the side.

"you'd be even . . . prettier."

hongjoong picked up on the apprehension that stitched the word, the way seonghwa was testing it out on his lips to see if the former liked it, and hongjoong smiled, albeit shakily.

"thanks, hwa."

and it was possibly one of the most nerve-wrecking and frightening things he'd ever done, but it became one of his best memories as seonghwa spent the next hour casually chatting with the younger about what kind of clothes he'd like to have,  
 _all because there was you._


	10. -10

by his sixteenth birthday hongjoong owned two skirts, a chiffon shirt and a lilac dress he kept hidden at the bottom of his wardrobe, beneath his old backpacks and discarded jackets that no longer fit him. all four were gifted to him in secret by seonghwa who's grin would illuminate the galaxy whenever hongjoong wore them, the shorter radiating a happiness of his own.

the boy would tuck an outfit into his rucksack before leaving the house and then change once arriving at seonghwa's place. at first, that was all they did, the older merely satisfied with offering hongjoong a safe home in which he could wear whatever he liked, and then they began to go out for an hour or two, usually to the public garden or to the quaint pastry shop nearby. the first time had been terrifying, for hongjoong felt as though all eyes were on him and he feared what others thought, but seonghwa walked with his hand in his, unafraid and smiling, and that was enough to give the brunet all the courage he needed to face the world as he was.

perhaps he'd gotten far too used to the idea that not many people even cared about what he wore or who he held hands with, and that had made him let his guard down.

he'd pondered upon it for a long time, so much so that his head hurt everyday and his thoughts drifted to the concept more often than not. when he'd decided to come out to his family, he settled on first telling his mother.

it was with a quivering bottom lip and tears pooling in his eyes that he began to speak, the woman patting his back as she sat abreast him at the kitchen table.

"i've noticed that something has been bothering you," she murmured when he continued to struggle to bring himself to talk, "you can tell me anything, joong."

"i'm － i'm gay."

a silence.

"and i like crossdressing."

he couldn't meet his mother's stare. unlike the touch of seonghwa, that of the woman felt weighted and frigid, tense.

"what's that?"

he swept his tongue over his bottom lip, blinking whatever tears he had away, because the burden on his shoulders had somewhat lifted and he felt oddly better, even if still shaken.

"it means i like to wear clothes of the opposite sex."

his mother's hand pulled away, the place were it was once set, growing colder.

"i see," her forearms pressed onto the table, her hands clutching one another as she fiddled with the ring on her left, fourth finger, "for how long have you been thinking this way?"

hongjoong wasn't certain of how the reveal was going, for she remained deadpan and her voice remained chilled.

"i realised i like guys from the start, but i discovered crossdressing a year ago."

a frown. a sigh.

"did you tell anyone else?"

he gulped, gaze averting.

"only seonghwa."

she nodded, seemingly in relief at the reply.

"it's better that way. i don't think you should tell anyone else about it. they'll think you're a freak, joong."

the mere words drew the boy back, chopped away at his hard gained liberty in an instant, for he _knew_ he was a freak. he knew it. of course others also did. it was impossible for them to not know.

"but －" he still found himself wanting to speak up.

"is there really no chance of you being with a girl?"

his posture minimally sagged, his irises dripping with bafflement and hurt.

"no."

"alright," her thin lips pulled into a tight smile, but to hongjoong it burned like acid and smelt of ashes, "let's keep this a secret, okay?"

a secret. everything would be so much easier if he kept it as such.

"but i don't want to."

his words were clearly unpleasant to hear, for the smile was instantaneously washed away, replaced by a near-menacing scowl.

"if you've been keeping it hidden for so long, you can keep on doing it."

"i don't want to hide who i am though."

a pause.

"hongjoong, people will judge you. they'll think you're a pervert. listen to me and keep it a secret. i'll discuss it with your father."

when night came and yells ensued at the shutting of the front door, hongjoong knew his family would never see him in the same light again. he allowed some tears to be drunken up by his cold pillow, staying awake until the sun began to rise, but even then its warmth went unfelt,  
 _because there wasn't you._


	11. +11

alcohol buzzed along his every nerve, not enough that the birthday party became enjoyable or that he was completely free of himself, but enough that some pain had been alleviated and the consistent flow of loud music blurred together, setting him into a sort of trance. the people and noise were unpleasant, even to his slightly inebriated mind, and his sole goal was that of finding the door that lead out.

he wove his way as carefully as he could through the cluster of people, not interested in lingering touches or looks, until the magnificent sign of an exit came into view and he hurried just that little bit faster towards it. once he'd pushed the door open, he scurried out and shut it behind him.

it was brisk outside, his skin rising with goosebumps and shivers trickling along his vertebrae as he stood, looking around.

not many had left the party, he came to realise, just those few who wanted to smoke or needed a break from the mass of human limbs. it was fine, hongjoong decided, walking to a two metre wide platform linked to a wall and pulling himself up onto it, as long as he could see the sky.

he sat on the cement and crossed his legs, leaning back against his palms as his eyes dazedly floated about, devoid of thought or purpose.

"thought i'd seen you leave."

the ends of his lips faintly curled, his pulse quickening for a flash of a moment.

"and you came to check-up on me?"

"well," seonghwa grunted as he set his hands onto the platform and wriggled his way up it with a final pull, "if i don't, who will?"

his smile rained sugar grains and petals, but hongjoong's current state of thinking processed the phrasing with a stiffening jaw and flitting eyes.

"i'm not your task, hwa," the older's head tilted, "you don't need to check on me."

seonghwa appeared to mull over his words as a faint wrinkle formed between his brows, and then a puff of air was leaving from his parted, glossed lips, and he was sitting perilously near to the smaller.

"maybe i don't need to, but i want to," he softly said, a shimmer in his eyes that held hongjoong enthralled, and the latter felt the muscle in his chest twist and jump.

a lingering whisper of a bassline hummed through the still, early autumn air around them, and the muffled voices and cheers pranced through its pauses with a delicacy their true nature did not possess.

there was something suffocating yet ineffably freeing about the moment, as though time had fallen still and the world were encased in a glass bubble, painted a midnight blue and bejewelled by shards of diamonds. hongjoong found that breathing had become a manual ordeal, his mind so utterly fogged with nothing that it no longer perceived his necessity for oxygen.

he let himself lie back onto the concrete, uncaring about it possibly being filthy or the risk of stains, for the instant he blinked up at the night sky and saw an ocean reflected back at him, nothing really mattered.

"it's a beautiful view."

hongjoong's head dipped to the left, peering over at seonghwa who had mimicked his previous action and then turned to him as well.

he smiled, the other did the same.

"it is."

seonghwa let out a breath, lashes fluttering as his sight flickered from the constellations to hongjoong. it was at that moment, with the slow rise and fall of their chests, that the older lifted a hand and guided it over that of hongjoong, lowering it until the heat of his palm came into contact with the coolness of the latter's skin.

hongjoong staggered an inhale, seonghwa rubbed the pad of his thumb across the supple flesh, delicate as though the boy's hand were of fine china.

"i know we're both scared, joong, i know."

his hold fastened, his sight intent on the constellations above while hongjoong's was strained on him.

"the world is terrifying. reality is terrifying. the unknown is terrifying. we have each other though, and i don't want you to forget that." seonghwa finally met hongjoong's stare, a softness in his irises incomparable to the subpar one of a meadow in spring, "say the word and we can leave. just you and i. tell me to do anything and i'll do it. i don't care if the world is against us, within you i see an entire universe."

and then he was shifting onto his knees, bracing hongjoong's narrow waist adorned by the chiffon of his black blouse, and hongjoong's sky was replaced by the infinity that was seonghwa's eyes, and he smiled.

"i love you."

_"you're awake."_

_soft skin rubbed against his bare back, a heartbeat penetrating and reverberating through him. he nestled further into the comfort that his fiancé radiated, and breathed._

_"hm."_

_the hands that coiled around him momentarily squeezed, and seonghwa nuzzled into hongjoong's neck, successfully bringing a groggy giggle out of the man that feebly attempted to move away._

_"what's going on in that pretty head of yours?"_

_the question fanned across hongjoong's collarbone, dusted across his chest, and seonghwa's lips tickled at his skin as they moved in a whisper._

_hongjoong smiled, looked out at the cold and rain that could not affect them whilst they were in bed together, and minimally shifted so as to place a kiss on his partner's temple._

_"i was thinking about my life and how in all of my good memories, there is you."_

**Author's Note:**

> hope it was decent  
> thanks for reading!


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